things to come...

so...

i'm getting married
october 10th.


holla! :)

sermon on the mount

Matthew 7:20 says: "...Yes, the way to identify a tree or a person is by the kind of fruit that is produced."

I read chapters 5 and 6 last night, and read 7 today. And I just have been really struck by what is in these few chapters. I've read these many times throughout my life, but for some reason with the sermon that was preached in chapel this morning (about how a lot of us are walking around like zombies and we need to wake up...) and then reading these chapters and just going through what i've been going through....I really feel like the waters of my soul are churning and they're ready to flow.

I know I have not been living out my faith, at least not on a daily basis. I know i havent been reading like i should or praying like i should -- even though i have been getting better. like the preacher in chapel this morning there were many days in the recent past where i did not even desire to read the bible...i would even think about it, but just had no desire to actually do it. it was sad, and is sad, to think that i did not have the desire to spend time with the God of the earth and universe. the God who has kept me from harm all these years. the God who cares engough to teach me a lesson, who gave me a loving family, loving friends, a loving boyfriend. the God who gave me life....i didnt desire Him. how can this be?!

I feel like i'm one of the people Jesus talks about who turns away and forget what he looks like, the bible being my mirror...i've forgotten what i look like in the presence of God. i'm one of those people who reads the scripture and listens to what it says, but i do not choose to follow it. it is not acceptable to pick and choose what from the bible you are going to follow, and this is exactly what i have been doing. maybe not purposefully, but it has definitely been happening.

I want to be saved. i want to go to heaven. i dont want to just call him "LORD" but not really know him, or him not really know me.

back to verse 20 of chapter 7....i want to produce fruit. i havent been producing any fruit because i havent been harvesting or even planting seeds.

its time to grow. its been time to grow for a long time. but this time, i'm going to water what has been planted.

well. i think i have issues.


and i'm ready to be done with school.

i dont know who all reads this.
maybe just kim.
but.
i need somewhere to live when i graduate.
in the event that i move home instead of going somewhere.
i need a house. apartment. box?
somewhere.
reasonably priced.
i roommate is cool.
suggestions????????

meaningless randomness

i wish i could write like kim.
i cant wait to go home this weekend.
its my birthday! 23.
seems old.

check out this guy on youtube: Mitchell Davis.
awesome.
(kim, show chad!)

i really have nothing new to report on. my life is boring.
i get lonely a lot. i cant wait to not be here anymore (at johnson)
scott probably gets the worst of my lonliness (i'm sorry..)
i have a phone interview on monday for a church in AZ.
we'll see.
i'm just ready for a change. ready for new.
anything new.

i look forward to going home.
(i've been going tanning)
its in parentheses (?) cuz its a secret.
if i could put a picture of myself on here, you'd see how i'm red
(cuz i've been going tanning)

this has been a really random and pointless post.
but alas.
its a post nonetheless.

the end.

ok.

so last night was dramatic.
i had a really good convo with aaron at lunch today.
basically it comes down to me needing God.
i'm just so lonely.
i need to be more independent.
i need to spend more time with God.

self destructing.

i'm not going to lie to you. i just hit my head on my floor in my room, which is pretty hard. maybe concrete. i did it on purpose. i was so angry. so incredibly angry.

i wont go into details. scott and i had a fight. that isnt over. but since he didnt want to talk about it anymore we got off the phone and i guess i'm supposed to be ok with that..

right now i feel like throwing up. and hitting something. and bawling my eyes out (which i'm already doing) i wish i had a room i could run to into the arms of a loved friend. but everyones probably asleep. and honestly, i dont know where i would go.

bottom line: i'm so lonely.

i dont know how else to put it. i've hit rock bottom. i'm so amazingly lonely. i hurt. on the inside. every day i just get by. i do what i need to do. i go to class, church, work...sleep. what else am i supposed to do? i know i need god. i'm crying out.

i need help. please help me. i'm so lonely. thats all i can say.

the truth is i thikn that in my life, i've placed such a huge emphasis on getting married because i know that deep down, when i'm married it means ill never be lonely again. which in reality i know isnt true. but...maybe its what i've been thinking. i'm so sick of being alone. i'm in a relationship and i feel more alone than ever.

i need help. i eat myself alive thinking about everything. if its my fault. what i can do to change it. should i change? what could i have done differently? why is he mad at me? why cant he not be selfish and just admit hes wrong? why why why why why whyyyyyy.

i need help..




i hope i didnt hit my head too hard...