i'm not going to lie to you. i just hit my head on my floor in my room, which is pretty hard. maybe concrete. i did it on purpose. i was so angry. so incredibly angry.
i wont go into details. scott and i had a fight. that isnt over. but since he didnt want to talk about it anymore we got off the phone and i guess i'm supposed to be ok with that..
right now i feel like throwing up. and hitting something. and bawling my eyes out (which i'm already doing) i wish i had a room i could run to into the arms of a loved friend. but everyones probably asleep. and honestly, i dont know where i would go.
bottom line: i'm so lonely.
i dont know how else to put it. i've hit rock bottom. i'm so amazingly lonely. i hurt. on the inside. every day i just get by. i do what i need to do. i go to class, church, work...sleep. what else am i supposed to do? i know i need god. i'm crying out.
i need help. please help me. i'm so lonely. thats all i can say.
the truth is i thikn that in my life, i've placed such a huge emphasis on getting married because i know that deep down, when i'm married it means ill never be lonely again. which in reality i know isnt true. but...maybe its what i've been thinking. i'm so sick of being alone. i'm in a relationship and i feel more alone than ever.
i need help. i eat myself alive thinking about everything. if its my fault. what i can do to change it. should i change? what could i have done differently? why is he mad at me? why cant he not be selfish and just admit hes wrong? why why why why why whyyyyyy.
i need help..
i hope i didnt hit my head too hard...
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
2 posts in one....
well.
today at church mark, our preacher, talked about forgivness. he told the beginning and ending story of the man Jospeh (the one with the coat of many colors) he talked about how joseph had to forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery and trying to kill him. but joseph didnt really forgive them till after he tried to play with their minds for a while, you could tell he wanted revenge. mark talked about how we need to let go of revenge. when we have revenge, or anything of this nature, we're baiscally telling God that we can handle it better than he can.
the whole time all i could think about was tia. i know the only people who read this blog know what happened. i dont really know how i feel. its almost been a year and i still dont feel like i can look her in the eye. i dont know if i havent forgiven her, or if i just dont want to mend that relationship. i dont really know what i want. or what i feel. i felt a really strong pulling in my heart, like i need to forgive. but at the same time, i feel like i did forgive. but one thing mark said was...even if you forgive, it doesnt mean everything is going to be perfect. the relationship might never mend, it might never be 'normal' again. its hard, because usually i hate it when i have severed relationships....but this is the first time i havent cared to make it better, to fix it, to get things back to normal. i dont think i had ever been betrayed before. i'm not saying she didnt do the 'right' thing, or that if i was her i wouldnt have done the same thing....but i still lost faith in her. i wanted a mentor, a confidant, someone to just share my thoughts with and listen and understand. a bouncing board. i talked to her once. and it changed my life. now, a lot of good did come out of it...but that doesnt change the fact that i felt very hurt by her.
have i let it go? i dont sit and mull over it every day. but i do think about it. i think i've forgiven. but i dont think it'll be normal again. it does hurt my heart though to think about this. i really need to give God more of my heart. i'm sorry that this happened and that it turned out this way. part of me still gets upset cuz i think it could have been handled differently. like coming to me first. or ...i dunno. just differently. but i do understand. and i'm not blamming her for what happened. but i still felt betrayed. maybe i havent forgiven. a year is a long time to carry this around. i guess if i'm still writing about it and thinking about it and getting upset about it, i havent let it go. i need God.
this was just on my mind...
oh. and i'm really sad because we have to put my cat to sleep. i've cried about it every day since mom told me. my heart is broken. i picked allie out when i was 5. my grandpa (who died of cancer) flew me down there (to missouri) to pick her out. she was the only cat in her liter with a tail. i changed her name about 5 times before i picked allie. she was the perfect cat. the most loving animal i have ever met. not one single person didnt like allie. she made non-cat people become cat people. now allie has cancer, just like grandpa. it'll be really hard to say goodbye to her. i watched marlee and me tonight with aaron and katie, and i think what they said at the end of the movie applies to cats too, well...at least to allie. ill put the quote in here and change all the "dog" words to "cat"...:)
"...a cat has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. status symbol means nothing to her. a cat judges others not by the color or creed or class but by who they are inside. a cat doesnt care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. give her your heart and she will give you hers...."
he goes on to say...how many people do you know that can make you feel completely loved, cherished, and amazing every day no matter what mood your in or their in. not many people can. but animals....they always love you no matter what.
this is kinda lame and sappy. but allie has been in my life for 18 years. it'll be so weird with out her. people say "you'll get another cat" yea...we probably will. but, allie is one of a kind.
today at church mark, our preacher, talked about forgivness. he told the beginning and ending story of the man Jospeh (the one with the coat of many colors) he talked about how joseph had to forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery and trying to kill him. but joseph didnt really forgive them till after he tried to play with their minds for a while, you could tell he wanted revenge. mark talked about how we need to let go of revenge. when we have revenge, or anything of this nature, we're baiscally telling God that we can handle it better than he can.
the whole time all i could think about was tia. i know the only people who read this blog know what happened. i dont really know how i feel. its almost been a year and i still dont feel like i can look her in the eye. i dont know if i havent forgiven her, or if i just dont want to mend that relationship. i dont really know what i want. or what i feel. i felt a really strong pulling in my heart, like i need to forgive. but at the same time, i feel like i did forgive. but one thing mark said was...even if you forgive, it doesnt mean everything is going to be perfect. the relationship might never mend, it might never be 'normal' again. its hard, because usually i hate it when i have severed relationships....but this is the first time i havent cared to make it better, to fix it, to get things back to normal. i dont think i had ever been betrayed before. i'm not saying she didnt do the 'right' thing, or that if i was her i wouldnt have done the same thing....but i still lost faith in her. i wanted a mentor, a confidant, someone to just share my thoughts with and listen and understand. a bouncing board. i talked to her once. and it changed my life. now, a lot of good did come out of it...but that doesnt change the fact that i felt very hurt by her.
have i let it go? i dont sit and mull over it every day. but i do think about it. i think i've forgiven. but i dont think it'll be normal again. it does hurt my heart though to think about this. i really need to give God more of my heart. i'm sorry that this happened and that it turned out this way. part of me still gets upset cuz i think it could have been handled differently. like coming to me first. or ...i dunno. just differently. but i do understand. and i'm not blamming her for what happened. but i still felt betrayed. maybe i havent forgiven. a year is a long time to carry this around. i guess if i'm still writing about it and thinking about it and getting upset about it, i havent let it go. i need God.
this was just on my mind...
oh. and i'm really sad because we have to put my cat to sleep. i've cried about it every day since mom told me. my heart is broken. i picked allie out when i was 5. my grandpa (who died of cancer) flew me down there (to missouri) to pick her out. she was the only cat in her liter with a tail. i changed her name about 5 times before i picked allie. she was the perfect cat. the most loving animal i have ever met. not one single person didnt like allie. she made non-cat people become cat people. now allie has cancer, just like grandpa. it'll be really hard to say goodbye to her. i watched marlee and me tonight with aaron and katie, and i think what they said at the end of the movie applies to cats too, well...at least to allie. ill put the quote in here and change all the "dog" words to "cat"...:)
"...a cat has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. status symbol means nothing to her. a cat judges others not by the color or creed or class but by who they are inside. a cat doesnt care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. give her your heart and she will give you hers...."
he goes on to say...how many people do you know that can make you feel completely loved, cherished, and amazing every day no matter what mood your in or their in. not many people can. but animals....they always love you no matter what.
this is kinda lame and sappy. but allie has been in my life for 18 years. it'll be so weird with out her. people say "you'll get another cat" yea...we probably will. but, allie is one of a kind.
Monday, February 2, 2009
ok. so i havent written anything in a while, as my mom pointed out to me, i've been meaning to...i think i just didnt know what to write about.
sometimes i dont really want to write about all my problems on here, although, when i'm writing it seems like those things are in the forefront (?) of my mind. but, did have an amazing weekend. i went home. i really needed to go home. i get so lonely here at school. home re-energizes me. well, people energize me. you might be thinking..."arent there people at johnson?" yes, in fact, there are people at johnson. but i just dont seem to connect with any of them on a level of connectedness - and i need connectedness. so i went home for my moms birthday. it was awesome. but i'm sad cuz i had to leave, and because my package STILL has yet to arrive. ugh! and i got to see scott, which was awesome. but i cried when he left.....i just feel lonely. its hard being me sometimes. because i know reality. i know ill be with him forever. i know that it'll be ok, and time will pass, but..i'm also very emotional. so i go from having an amazing weekend, to being terribly sad because its over and i have to come back to school. and i think "but you had an AWESOME weekend, and you got to spend time with people..etc" yea, i know this, but i still get sad. its so confusing sometimes.
but. kim is coming this weekend and i'm really excited about it. yay! i wish i had more money though. and i had to take the whole week off because i have to go to this conference, which i had to pay for. so frustrating.
when i was watching the super bowl i was thinking about money and i thought...ya know, america is in such a deficit, and everyone around me is losing their jobs, and not finding jobs, and losing money, and getting pay cuts, and everything...yet we're paying athletes millions...MILLIONS of dollars to win a football game, or a basketball game, ...or actors to be in a movie....now i love movies, but...cant they give us some of their money!? some people are billionaires.......to act? or run? ...it just doesnt make sense to me. i'm good at stuff, but ill never have a job making more than...40,000 a year? its sad. and i dont care, really, because i'm working for the Lord. but....its just disappointing sometimes because i need money so bad because i'm so in debt. its irritating.
anyway. enough ranting. i should get back to doing homework. so. this hasnt really been an exciting post, but hey, at least i wrote. :)
sometimes i dont really want to write about all my problems on here, although, when i'm writing it seems like those things are in the forefront (?) of my mind. but, did have an amazing weekend. i went home. i really needed to go home. i get so lonely here at school. home re-energizes me. well, people energize me. you might be thinking..."arent there people at johnson?" yes, in fact, there are people at johnson. but i just dont seem to connect with any of them on a level of connectedness - and i need connectedness. so i went home for my moms birthday. it was awesome. but i'm sad cuz i had to leave, and because my package STILL has yet to arrive. ugh! and i got to see scott, which was awesome. but i cried when he left.....i just feel lonely. its hard being me sometimes. because i know reality. i know ill be with him forever. i know that it'll be ok, and time will pass, but..i'm also very emotional. so i go from having an amazing weekend, to being terribly sad because its over and i have to come back to school. and i think "but you had an AWESOME weekend, and you got to spend time with people..etc" yea, i know this, but i still get sad. its so confusing sometimes.
but. kim is coming this weekend and i'm really excited about it. yay! i wish i had more money though. and i had to take the whole week off because i have to go to this conference, which i had to pay for. so frustrating.
when i was watching the super bowl i was thinking about money and i thought...ya know, america is in such a deficit, and everyone around me is losing their jobs, and not finding jobs, and losing money, and getting pay cuts, and everything...yet we're paying athletes millions...MILLIONS of dollars to win a football game, or a basketball game, ...or actors to be in a movie....now i love movies, but...cant they give us some of their money!? some people are billionaires.......to act? or run? ...it just doesnt make sense to me. i'm good at stuff, but ill never have a job making more than...40,000 a year? its sad. and i dont care, really, because i'm working for the Lord. but....its just disappointing sometimes because i need money so bad because i'm so in debt. its irritating.
anyway. enough ranting. i should get back to doing homework. so. this hasnt really been an exciting post, but hey, at least i wrote. :)
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