self destructing.

i'm not going to lie to you. i just hit my head on my floor in my room, which is pretty hard. maybe concrete. i did it on purpose. i was so angry. so incredibly angry.

i wont go into details. scott and i had a fight. that isnt over. but since he didnt want to talk about it anymore we got off the phone and i guess i'm supposed to be ok with that..

right now i feel like throwing up. and hitting something. and bawling my eyes out (which i'm already doing) i wish i had a room i could run to into the arms of a loved friend. but everyones probably asleep. and honestly, i dont know where i would go.

bottom line: i'm so lonely.

i dont know how else to put it. i've hit rock bottom. i'm so amazingly lonely. i hurt. on the inside. every day i just get by. i do what i need to do. i go to class, church, work...sleep. what else am i supposed to do? i know i need god. i'm crying out.

i need help. please help me. i'm so lonely. thats all i can say.

the truth is i thikn that in my life, i've placed such a huge emphasis on getting married because i know that deep down, when i'm married it means ill never be lonely again. which in reality i know isnt true. but...maybe its what i've been thinking. i'm so sick of being alone. i'm in a relationship and i feel more alone than ever.

i need help. i eat myself alive thinking about everything. if its my fault. what i can do to change it. should i change? what could i have done differently? why is he mad at me? why cant he not be selfish and just admit hes wrong? why why why why why whyyyyyy.

i need help..




i hope i didnt hit my head too hard...