things to come...

so...

i'm getting married
october 10th.


holla! :)

sermon on the mount

Matthew 7:20 says: "...Yes, the way to identify a tree or a person is by the kind of fruit that is produced."

I read chapters 5 and 6 last night, and read 7 today. And I just have been really struck by what is in these few chapters. I've read these many times throughout my life, but for some reason with the sermon that was preached in chapel this morning (about how a lot of us are walking around like zombies and we need to wake up...) and then reading these chapters and just going through what i've been going through....I really feel like the waters of my soul are churning and they're ready to flow.

I know I have not been living out my faith, at least not on a daily basis. I know i havent been reading like i should or praying like i should -- even though i have been getting better. like the preacher in chapel this morning there were many days in the recent past where i did not even desire to read the bible...i would even think about it, but just had no desire to actually do it. it was sad, and is sad, to think that i did not have the desire to spend time with the God of the earth and universe. the God who has kept me from harm all these years. the God who cares engough to teach me a lesson, who gave me a loving family, loving friends, a loving boyfriend. the God who gave me life....i didnt desire Him. how can this be?!

I feel like i'm one of the people Jesus talks about who turns away and forget what he looks like, the bible being my mirror...i've forgotten what i look like in the presence of God. i'm one of those people who reads the scripture and listens to what it says, but i do not choose to follow it. it is not acceptable to pick and choose what from the bible you are going to follow, and this is exactly what i have been doing. maybe not purposefully, but it has definitely been happening.

I want to be saved. i want to go to heaven. i dont want to just call him "LORD" but not really know him, or him not really know me.

back to verse 20 of chapter 7....i want to produce fruit. i havent been producing any fruit because i havent been harvesting or even planting seeds.

its time to grow. its been time to grow for a long time. but this time, i'm going to water what has been planted.

well. i think i have issues.


and i'm ready to be done with school.

i dont know who all reads this.
maybe just kim.
but.
i need somewhere to live when i graduate.
in the event that i move home instead of going somewhere.
i need a house. apartment. box?
somewhere.
reasonably priced.
i roommate is cool.
suggestions????????

meaningless randomness

i wish i could write like kim.
i cant wait to go home this weekend.
its my birthday! 23.
seems old.

check out this guy on youtube: Mitchell Davis.
awesome.
(kim, show chad!)

i really have nothing new to report on. my life is boring.
i get lonely a lot. i cant wait to not be here anymore (at johnson)
scott probably gets the worst of my lonliness (i'm sorry..)
i have a phone interview on monday for a church in AZ.
we'll see.
i'm just ready for a change. ready for new.
anything new.

i look forward to going home.
(i've been going tanning)
its in parentheses (?) cuz its a secret.
if i could put a picture of myself on here, you'd see how i'm red
(cuz i've been going tanning)

this has been a really random and pointless post.
but alas.
its a post nonetheless.

the end.

ok.

so last night was dramatic.
i had a really good convo with aaron at lunch today.
basically it comes down to me needing God.
i'm just so lonely.
i need to be more independent.
i need to spend more time with God.

self destructing.

i'm not going to lie to you. i just hit my head on my floor in my room, which is pretty hard. maybe concrete. i did it on purpose. i was so angry. so incredibly angry.

i wont go into details. scott and i had a fight. that isnt over. but since he didnt want to talk about it anymore we got off the phone and i guess i'm supposed to be ok with that..

right now i feel like throwing up. and hitting something. and bawling my eyes out (which i'm already doing) i wish i had a room i could run to into the arms of a loved friend. but everyones probably asleep. and honestly, i dont know where i would go.

bottom line: i'm so lonely.

i dont know how else to put it. i've hit rock bottom. i'm so amazingly lonely. i hurt. on the inside. every day i just get by. i do what i need to do. i go to class, church, work...sleep. what else am i supposed to do? i know i need god. i'm crying out.

i need help. please help me. i'm so lonely. thats all i can say.

the truth is i thikn that in my life, i've placed such a huge emphasis on getting married because i know that deep down, when i'm married it means ill never be lonely again. which in reality i know isnt true. but...maybe its what i've been thinking. i'm so sick of being alone. i'm in a relationship and i feel more alone than ever.

i need help. i eat myself alive thinking about everything. if its my fault. what i can do to change it. should i change? what could i have done differently? why is he mad at me? why cant he not be selfish and just admit hes wrong? why why why why why whyyyyyy.

i need help..




i hope i didnt hit my head too hard...

2 posts in one....

well.

today at church mark, our preacher, talked about forgivness. he told the beginning and ending story of the man Jospeh (the one with the coat of many colors) he talked about how joseph had to forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery and trying to kill him. but joseph didnt really forgive them till after he tried to play with their minds for a while, you could tell he wanted revenge. mark talked about how we need to let go of revenge. when we have revenge, or anything of this nature, we're baiscally telling God that we can handle it better than he can.

the whole time all i could think about was tia. i know the only people who read this blog know what happened. i dont really know how i feel. its almost been a year and i still dont feel like i can look her in the eye. i dont know if i havent forgiven her, or if i just dont want to mend that relationship. i dont really know what i want. or what i feel. i felt a really strong pulling in my heart, like i need to forgive. but at the same time, i feel like i did forgive. but one thing mark said was...even if you forgive, it doesnt mean everything is going to be perfect. the relationship might never mend, it might never be 'normal' again. its hard, because usually i hate it when i have severed relationships....but this is the first time i havent cared to make it better, to fix it, to get things back to normal. i dont think i had ever been betrayed before. i'm not saying she didnt do the 'right' thing, or that if i was her i wouldnt have done the same thing....but i still lost faith in her. i wanted a mentor, a confidant, someone to just share my thoughts with and listen and understand. a bouncing board. i talked to her once. and it changed my life. now, a lot of good did come out of it...but that doesnt change the fact that i felt very hurt by her.

have i let it go? i dont sit and mull over it every day. but i do think about it. i think i've forgiven. but i dont think it'll be normal again. it does hurt my heart though to think about this. i really need to give God more of my heart. i'm sorry that this happened and that it turned out this way. part of me still gets upset cuz i think it could have been handled differently. like coming to me first. or ...i dunno. just differently. but i do understand. and i'm not blamming her for what happened. but i still felt betrayed. maybe i havent forgiven. a year is a long time to carry this around. i guess if i'm still writing about it and thinking about it and getting upset about it, i havent let it go. i need God.


this was just on my mind...

oh. and i'm really sad because we have to put my cat to sleep. i've cried about it every day since mom told me. my heart is broken. i picked allie out when i was 5. my grandpa (who died of cancer) flew me down there (to missouri) to pick her out. she was the only cat in her liter with a tail. i changed her name about 5 times before i picked allie. she was the perfect cat. the most loving animal i have ever met. not one single person didnt like allie. she made non-cat people become cat people. now allie has cancer, just like grandpa. it'll be really hard to say goodbye to her. i watched marlee and me tonight with aaron and katie, and i think what they said at the end of the movie applies to cats too, well...at least to allie. ill put the quote in here and change all the "dog" words to "cat"...:)

"...a cat has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. status symbol means nothing to her. a cat judges others not by the color or creed or class but by who they are inside. a cat doesnt care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. give her your heart and she will give you hers...."

he goes on to say...how many people do you know that can make you feel completely loved, cherished, and amazing every day no matter what mood your in or their in. not many people can. but animals....they always love you no matter what.

this is kinda lame and sappy. but allie has been in my life for 18 years. it'll be so weird with out her. people say "you'll get another cat" yea...we probably will. but, allie is one of a kind.

ok. so i havent written anything in a while, as my mom pointed out to me, i've been meaning to...i think i just didnt know what to write about.

sometimes i dont really want to write about all my problems on here, although, when i'm writing it seems like those things are in the forefront (?) of my mind. but, did have an amazing weekend. i went home. i really needed to go home. i get so lonely here at school. home re-energizes me. well, people energize me. you might be thinking..."arent there people at johnson?" yes, in fact, there are people at johnson. but i just dont seem to connect with any of them on a level of connectedness - and i need connectedness. so i went home for my moms birthday. it was awesome. but i'm sad cuz i had to leave, and because my package STILL has yet to arrive. ugh! and i got to see scott, which was awesome. but i cried when he left.....i just feel lonely. its hard being me sometimes. because i know reality. i know ill be with him forever. i know that it'll be ok, and time will pass, but..i'm also very emotional. so i go from having an amazing weekend, to being terribly sad because its over and i have to come back to school. and i think "but you had an AWESOME weekend, and you got to spend time with people..etc" yea, i know this, but i still get sad. its so confusing sometimes.

but. kim is coming this weekend and i'm really excited about it. yay! i wish i had more money though. and i had to take the whole week off because i have to go to this conference, which i had to pay for. so frustrating.

when i was watching the super bowl i was thinking about money and i thought...ya know, america is in such a deficit, and everyone around me is losing their jobs, and not finding jobs, and losing money, and getting pay cuts, and everything...yet we're paying athletes millions...MILLIONS of dollars to win a football game, or a basketball game, ...or actors to be in a movie....now i love movies, but...cant they give us some of their money!? some people are billionaires.......to act? or run? ...it just doesnt make sense to me. i'm good at stuff, but ill never have a job making more than...40,000 a year? its sad. and i dont care, really, because i'm working for the Lord. but....its just disappointing sometimes because i need money so bad because i'm so in debt. its irritating.

anyway. enough ranting. i should get back to doing homework. so. this hasnt really been an exciting post, but hey, at least i wrote. :)

i kind of have had a rough week. but i'm getting through it.
i also kind of have a lot on my mind. but i probably wont write it all till this weekend and i have some time to sit, think, and reflect.

soon though.

sometimes i wish i could just be content with where i am. 90% of the time i'm thinking...what's next? always planning ahead. always thinking about tomorrow. in todays world, i wonder if theres any way around it. i know in scripture it says dont think about tomorrow, tomorrow has its own worries. but...is that really possible? we're always planning: dinner next week, a visit in 2...a run later, work in 3 days. i dont know. it just seems like there is no possible way to not think about what happens next. even now i'm thinking, i'm going to aarons game at 4, i'm eating dinner after that, i'm going to church tomorrow, then lunch, then homework...i mean, i have to plan ahead. i wonder what was meant by those words in scripture. and what context it was in.

when i started thinking about this, i was really thinking about how i'm always thinking about where i'd rather be. if i'm at school, i'd rather be home, if i'm home, i'd rather be with scott. and i guess its not so much that i'd rather be somewhere else, its that, i want to be everywhere at once. my mom tells this story about duke, i guess its not a story really, because it happens every time we take him for a walk (which is seldom.) he's not a very good walker. he always walks as far out as he can, which makes the lease choke him. you can hear his breath - hes wheezing and breathing really hard, totally out of breath. we dont understand why he does this, why he doesnt just walk beside us like a good normal pet. but he doesnt, he insists on being as far out as he can. i feel like this sometimes. like i'm walking to far out. walking to my very limit wanting to go beyond where i should be. why cant i just be here? be where i am instead of always wanting more?

ill try to work on this.

year of the tiger

Tiger people are difficult to resist, for they are magnetic characters and their natural air of authority confers a certain prestige on them. They are tempestuous yet calm, warm-hearted yet fearsome, courageous in the face of danger yet yielding, soft and mysterious. They enjoy a life full of challenges and unexpected events, like visiting unusual places and meeting interesting or outstanding people. Other people in their area are easily attracted by the tiger's enthusiasm and way of life. Tigers find pleasure in the unpredictable, and while other people would rather make a backward step, they are not afraid to explore the new and unusual. But it is not that simple to interest the Tiger. What they really need is first-hand experience. Usually open and frank, these people are likely to withdraw and can be aggressive when trapped. As soon as the Tiger has regained their sense of security their confidence also returns, enabling them to set out once more. These people usually tend to trust their instincts, though there is another side of their personality, which assesses situations thoughtfully before they launch any actions. Their friends usually secretly admire their determination and optimism, though sometimes may find it complicated to share the Tiger's enthusiasm and can be pushed away and left behind. Although Tigers can be courageous and generous friends, if they are not able to achieve what they want, they can be inflexible and self-centered. So if your friend was born in the year of the Tiger, there will be highs and lows in your friendship, but the friendship itself will remain firm.
Ideal jobs for tigers include entrepreneur, military officer, politician, musician, writer, poet, artist, theater director, biological and environmental engineer, stockbroker, athlete, film star, trade union leader, company director, stunt person, explorer, and lawyer.


i just dont know if this is me *shrugs shoulders*

a fresh start

well, i pretty much made this so that kim could in turn have something to read, since i read hers religiously. but it comes at a good time. its the beginning of a new year, new semester, a fresh start. i dont know why we dont start over daily, because we can, but it seems like the new year always gives us that little motivation that we need to make the changes that we've been wanting to make since jan. 2nd of the last year.

i've made a few personal goals for the year. i want to lose weight (as everyone does, every single year) but this year i mean it. i walked 2 miles yesterday, i stopped drinking pop, and i'm trying to be really conscience about what i eat, maybe not what i eat, but rather how much of it i eat. i want my grades to be good. scott and i are having a competition to see who can make the best grades, i dont know what the stakes are yet, but i'm sure it'll be good. also, i want to just be ok with being with just me and God. i've never really been one to enjoy being alone, God definitely created me to be around people, but i think that i have started to rely on them way to much for my identity. also, for scotts sake, i'm trying to back off a little bit. i know i have a tendency to be needy, which isnt always a bad thing, but i know that it is annoying and that he doesnt really desire to be with me if i'm already always there. and the past few days have actually been better because i've just been ok with being with me, and spending a little more time with God.

all that said, i'm basically trying to be the best version of me that i can, with a whole lot of help from God.

some good random news. for you who dont know, i applied for an internship at willow creek community church. i sent my application in on monday, and they emailed me back yesterday!! i was so excited. they want to do a phone interview with me, which will be monday jan. 26th. so be praying about that! if i get accepted i will be going to chicago in august for a year. which is pretty exciting. but i'm just trying to open some doors so we'll see which one God tells me to go through.

anyway. enough for now. kim, dont judge me if my sentences are grammatically incorrect. :)